Today’s the big day. I’m jolted out of bed by a phone call from the delivery guy, informing me that the new elliptical I bought last week will soon be on my doorstep. I mumble a thanks and check the clock I set last night in anticipation of this grand event. Apparently, I turned it off and went back to sleep an hour ago. Continue reading

A few minutes of research makes it clear that when it comes to ellipticals, Precor is the name to beat. Their warranties run ten years, they’re in all the top fitness clubs—and they seem to have invented the damned thing. What’s not to like? Well, the price. I could buy a good used car for what it costs to score a top-end Precor. Or even a mid-range Precor. Continue reading

I try walking. The first day, it’s 110 degrees out. I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West, melting into the sidewalk. My knees (battered during the aforementioned Harley-Dog incident, in which I was brutally pummeled by a well-meaning but overzealous and supersized canine) still hurt—and the more I walk, the more they hurt. Every time my foot hits the ground, it feels like someone’s jamming a screwdriver under my kneecaps. Continue reading

Hi. My name is John, and I’m out of shape. I didn’t mean to get that way; it just sort of…happened. For years, my workday has consisted of running my fingers across a keyboard while sitting behind a desk. My main form of exercise has been grocery shopping.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that my many years of carefree nonmaintenance had drawn to a close. While I’d like to say this realization was the result of thoughtful self-reflection, the truth is, it was a good deal more painful than that. Continue reading